When I wrote the post where I revealed the end of my four year relationship with Wil, I tried to remain pretty vague because while this is my place to share whatever I want about myself, I feel like its important for me to remain respectful of other people in my life who might not want to share so much.
That said, I got a LOT of questions about my thoughts on whether it can still work if you’re in a relationship with someone and one of you changes drastically over the course of it. I am clearly no expert here, but I thought I would shed some light on my thoughts on the topic since you asked.
When One Changes
In short, yes, I think it’s possible for a relationship to work. I think as long as you have a strong foundation with open communication and mutual support, then it really is possible for your relationship to stay intact. It could probably even cause a relationship to flourish if the changes are positive since generally the person who changes will be in a better place.
While I do strongly believe that the changes I made were very positive overall, I just changed so much that I found myself on a completely different page from Wil. I wanted him to embrace the changes I had made and make many of them for himself, but he didn’t want that for himself, and you know – that’s ok. You can’t change anyone but yourself, so if you’re unhappy with the person you’re with, unfortunately there’s not much you can do to control it.
Besides the obvious physical changes I went through, I made some strong internal changes that contributed to the breakdown of the relationship and I think are what ultimately caused it to end. I was a little too easy to settle and think that I should just take what I could get. I set expectations too low for what I needed out of a partner, and however sad and depressing it is that I felt like I had to settle before I made so many changes, it’s the truth. I guess I just didn’t feel like I deserved any better and didn’t have the confidence to trust that I would find someone who wasn’t just good enough, but was great.
Once the good things in my life started happening, it was really difficult when I felt like I couldn’t be happy when I was at home because my partner was not in a good place, nor willing to do what it would take to get himself there. It got to a point where home became more of a source of stress and unhappiness for me, rather than happiness and the icing on the cake like it should have been.
The easy thing would have been to stay.
We had been together for four years and were very intertwined in each others lives. Even though I was no longer feeling fulfilled in the relationship, staying it in would have been easy. I did do the easy thing for a while, even when I suspected it might not have been the right thing to do anymore, but getting myself to a place where I was ready to make such a drastic change took some time. I remember thinking a few times over the last year or so that I would want to take a break if we didn’t live together, but logistically it would be too hard without actually breaking up.
I can’t say exactly what happened to end everything, but the final straw came and it just got to a point where I knew the easy thing was no longer good enough for me. I knew I deserved more and needed more out of relationship. It was the internal changes that I went through that changed me into a stronger person and one who knew it was time to make a change. I found myself in a place where I knew I could do anything I set my mind to, and I knew it was time to set my mind to getting out of the relationship. And so I did.