I’ve been trying to write this post for hours, but putting up pictures of breakfast and lunch just wasn’t what my heart was telling me to write.
One month ago today, my sister went into early labor and delivered my two nephews, Tristan and Harper, at just 23 weeks.
One month ago today, I had two teeny nephews, and today I only have one.
Two years ago if something even remotely close to this had happened, I would have buried my sorrows deep in food and would have eaten everything I could until I was so physically full that it was all I could think about. The food would numb me momentarily, and then, I would slowly come out of the food coma and realize that all my problems were still there and the binge had solved nothing.
It’s kind of ironic in a way because what I am dealing with now is by far the most serious and real life nightmareish thing I could ever even fathom experiencing. The things that would drive me to binge into oblivion in my former life didn’t even come close to the emotional roller coaster I am on now. Many of the reasons behind the binges had nothing to do with tragic events – I would eat myself numb if I was happy, sad, lazy, nervous, scared, or just bored.
I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t struggled at all with eating over the last month, but it has been a completely different world because I think I’ve made drastic improvements in my relationship with food over the last few years and have learned that it is not the be-all end-all. While healthy living has definitely taken a little bit of a back burner in light of my recent life events, I have come to realize a few things that are helping keep me on track.
- It is normal to feel sad and helpless.
- Not working out and eating junk all the time is not going to change the situation at hand, even if it distracts me temporarily.
- Exercising helps me release anxiety and makes me better able to be the support to my sister that I need to be right now.
- Some things are out of our control, like life events.
- Some things we have complete control over, like treating yourself well.
A lot of times over the last month when I’ve found myself standing in front of my open pantry figuring out what I should eat to help ease the pain, I’ve thought hard about these things. Most of the times, I’ve been realizing that nothing is going to ease the pain and I have just walked away and cried or gone out for a bike ride or run or called a friend to talk. Some of the times, the food has won and I’ve given in and eaten the food that was calling my name and focused just on food for once for a few minutes and what to eat next. But I’ve forgiven myself.
I’ve had such a rocky relationship with food for such a large part of my life, that the last 1.5 – 2 years that I’ve really taken the reigns are really nothing compared to the first 24+ years of life where food was what I turned to for everything. I’m getting better, but I’m obviously not there yet.
How is your relationship with food? Do you find yourself giving into bad habits in the face of stress? How do you overcome it?