The other day, I came across an article about self-sabotage when it comes to weight loss and it basically said that often times, we have underlying fears that get in the way of accomplishing what we want. Because we’re worried about those things, either consciously or subconsciously, it creates inner turmoil that can lead to inaction rather than facing those fears head on. It can be really painful and difficult to pinpoint what those reasons are and to sit in the discomfort of confronting them because you have to dig deep and be vulnerable, even if just to yourself.
While this self-sabotage can apply to many areas of my life, it got me thinking a lot about what’s been holding me back from blogging again, even though I’ve been wanting to for some time and have dipped my toe in here and there over the last few years. I’m an expert excuse-maker, so I’ve come up with many surface reasons as to why – I need a new blog name, I need new content to focus on, I need to have it all figured out before wanting to share my life with the world again – but I’ve avoided confronting some of those deeper, more painful reasons because, well, it’s uncomfortable.
But I realized that not facing those fears is exactly what’s been standing in the way of starting to blog again, and I finally took some time to address them head on so I can stop with the inaction. Here’s what I came up with:
- People will judge me for not being the “after” anymore. When you write a blog about weight loss, there is a tremendous amount of pressure that’s hard to explain because I think ultimately it ends up being self-imposed, but it feels external. When you step away, it’s really hard to come back without addressing the weight situation head on, and to be honest with you, I don’t think I’ve been ready to until now. While I’m not back to where I started, I have gained some weight, and I’ve struggled with making healthy living a priority in the last couple years. Even now when I go to my Facebook page and see some of my before and after photos, it makes me cringe and feel like an imposter.
- People from my current/professional life will see some of the very personal things I’ve shared here and judge me. I’ve changed a lot in the 7.5 years since this blog began, and while I’m proud of a lot of the content, there are some deeply personal things on here that make me pretty anxious to think about everyone in my current life knowing and seeing. I briefly thought about removing some of that more sensitive content, like my plastic surgery documentation, but on further reflection, I realized I’m not even sure what I’m afraid of. Someone seeing it and knowing I had surgery? Someone seeing it and making fun of me for having surgery? And then I realized it’s because of an all-too-familiar judgement that I myself have been guilty of before I knew any better. I am afraid people are going to see the deepest parts of my weight loss journey and wonder how I could possibly let myself gain back any of the weight I’d worked so hard to lose.
- Even though I love to write, I am not a gifted photographer, so my blog can’t ever be great. This one may fall more into the surface level excuse category, but not take great photos is something that makes me anxious whenever I think about getting back into blogging, especially since a lot has changed in the last few years and things have gone more digital. I know that some of my content would be stronger if I had great photos to go with it, but good content with crappy pictures is better than no content and no pictures. And, this is something I can work on.
- I won’t be able to keep it up and will disappoint everyone, myself included. I think this one stems from trying to come back so many times over the last few years and not being able to stick with it. But, since I’d never taken the time to think through the bigger, underlying fears (see #1 and #2), I self-sabotaged like woah to avoid having to.
It’s pretty eye opening to reflect on these reasons and see that even though all of these stem from a fear of being judged by others, the only thing standing in the way of overcoming any of them is me.